catatan #11

a floating thought. 

waning moon shines over the valley, 

below, a landscape peppered with lights


a tinge of melancholy, nostalgia: 

the longing for a time that passed long before me,

for a place that lies on the horizon,

where houses spread, peppered the darkened landscape with lights

and flickers


catatan #10

things i got from the half dreams #2

“…so we can finally get rid of her, and give her anything she wants; but, then, she won’t stand anything we give to her except for ice.”

– august 15th, 2015

catatan #9

things i got from the half dreams #1

the guy in the dark blue suit strode through the basement door, stopped at the landing above

and waved a transparent plastic bag in front of him. in it: five toes,

dark as chunks of chocolates, and each twice the size of my left index finger.

i was in the process of making bread, mixing flour and water and eggs and a pinch of salt.

he said, “these are the last ingredients. meat and bone.”

i could taste the bread already;

salty and meaty. and the weight of it inside my belly.

– january 18th, 2016

catatan #8

a hazed mind.

it’s like you’re walking on a knee-deep muddy road, in the middle of a very thick fog. so thick you can’t even see the tip of your nose. and the air is so dense that the words coming out of your mouth just barely makes a vibration in the air, let alone to be heard. you have to make a great effort to just get the words to be heard by you yourself. shout as hard as you can, try to get the words to go through the fog. walk! shout! pierce! you don’t know if there’ll be someone that hears you, or walking the same muddy road with you inside that fog, but shout anyway. keep walking. keep talking. know this: all things must end. including the road and the fog and the state of mind you’re in right now.

but it’s also like when you are full of energy and excitement, but you don’t feel that anything excites you at all. so you writhe in agony, all that energy and excitement eventually get to pent up inside you until you feel like exploding. ranting about anything to anyone willing. dancing like a madman in the middle of the road. walking or running around to anywhere, anywhere at all. until eventually it all calms down and you feel so exhausted after getting all that energy and excitement out of your system. and then you rest. you eat. you sleep. and perhaps after a good few hours you’re back to normal. normal.

funny word, ‘normal.’

catatan #6

an evening on a train.

first, it was dusk. a fine bluish sky, dimmer and dimmer. i was just awake from one of my little naps. there were two men sat in the same seat group with me, and they were still talking. two strangers, they had been talking when i was boarding the train, and they talked about how our railway services have gone better, and about the future of our railway services and how unpleasant it was in the past to travel with train–especially with the third-class ticket. they would also talked about fragments of their lives, but i couldn’t remember much. there were also a small family, with one young infant child–i couldn’t make it out whether it was a boy or a girl (it was a girl)–they sat across the aisle. i didn’t took much attention to what they were talking. some normal familial stuffs, i guess. and an old man sat along with them, stared outside in silence.

then it was dark outside, save for occasional dots of light from the houses along the way. i stared outside, and here and there lights would dot the farthest landscapes, on the hillsides and the valleys, and the mountainous terrains; clustered in small groups of white neon lights and yellow mercury or huddled together in large hives of city lights. sometimes, when i see the lights, i wondered how would you reach there, and what would you see if you are looking here from there, and what would the lights come from: a house? a small hut in the middle of a rice field? a small village house built from bilik? a local school? a cattle ranch? a plantation office? or perhaps a series of townhouses, huddled together in a tight row? and sometimes when i see the lights, i thought that they were our attempt to mirror the stars, where sometimes they would flickers and group themselves in certain configurations and form their own distinctive constellations, and how they would appear during the night and disappear from our view during the day.

just like stars do.

(jul 31, 2014 evening. aboard a train home from banjar, jawa barat)